Story #20

My first memory is of my father being in my bed molesting me. I was three years old. My second memory is getting beat by him. And my next memory is being in his bed with him spanking me because I wouldn't relax so he could penetrate me. I was five years old. I was raised like this. The rapes, the beatings, and shame. My mother more or less looked the other way and pretended it was not happening. This continued until I was almost 17 and he went to prison for the years of abuse. When he went to prison, I was rejected by the rest of the family. There attitude was "how could you turn him in" it brought shame on the family. They didn't care that I had been abused my entire child hood, they did care that the neighbors might know.

I have spent most of my life in search of love. There were many relationships, and several divorces. I could not stand to be around anyone for any long length of time, even though I craved the love and attention. The ability to sustain a long term marriage was not in the cards for me. I am 44 now and have been single for several years. Even though I get lonely, it seems to work out better for me to be alone. I wish there was someone who could accept my past, but I do not see that coming. I have been in AA for a little over 2 years and have maintained complete sobriety by staying in close contact with the group and doing what they suggest.

Most of my life has been marked by shame and rages and divorces and instability. Today the only stability I feel I have it with my AA group and with my Higher Power, who I call Jesus Christ. To me, this has brought more peace than I ever had. Am I happy? Well, I wouldn't say I am really happy, but I am safe. I am not getting raped or beat. I try to keep that in the forefront of my mind. When I tuck my son in at night, I tell us both that he is safe. It helps me not dwell on living in poverty. Yes, I am very poor. It is not easy for a borderline to hold a job.

And prozac helps. :o)