Story #28

Ok this could be interesting. I always said I would never write this all  down. Mainly because i thought no one would want to listen. Well after reading all of these stories I've realized that I'm not crazy, that other people know exactly how I feel. OK....I guess it all began when I was born. My mother gave me up for adoption. My adoptive parents are the greatest people ever. I was never abused or neglected, I actually had an almost perfect life. I don't know what happened. 

Since I was very young I remember having unsure feelings about my sexuality. I'm a 19 year old female. I have always been attracted to women. I dated guys all of my life mainly to convince my friends and family that I wasn't gay, but also to convince myself. I remember times when i was younger that I would be left out or rejected by kids my age. I had glasses and braces and I just had trouble fitting in. I was always the one left out, I was always on the outside. It also didn't help that my father's job had us move around a lot. I always had to make new friends and try to fit in with new people. And since we moved a lot, I would lose people and friendships that were important to me. That's where my fear of being left alone comes into play. I can't handle the thought of being left. If my current girlfriend and I have a fight and I think she might leave, the first thought I have is to hurt myself. I've done that for about a year now. It releases all of the pain I have inside me. 

A year ago I was committed. I was in and out of hospitals for the last 4 months of high school. I graduated while I was in the hospital. I was diagnosed as bi-polar and borderline, although, I know I'm not bi-polar now and i think that diagnosis has had a negative effect on me. It has made me think that i am more sick than i really am. Well i'm in a terrible position now because of this illness. I moved across the country to be with my girlfriend of one year. I really thought we were in love, but it all seems to be falling apart. Because of my illness I constantly believe that she isn't putting forth as much effort as I am. I'm always angry with her and telling her she's not showing me enough affection. She's gotten very tired of it and she will eventually leave me. The thought of that makes me want to go cut myself right now. 

I'm 19 years old and I'm on my own in some strange city. I can't afford help right now, I can't afford meds. I have no where to turn and no one to turn to. I left everyone in Texas and they are too angry now to help me. I've run everyone off by expecting too much from them. I'm to the point where i honestly believe I will never get well. I can't see the end from where i'm standing right now. I don't like these self destructing thoughts that I have, but how do I stop them? I guess that's something I'll just have to figure out. Thanks for listening.