Story #29

My story is nothing that could be considered "trauma" or any sort of great ordeal. I haven't even been to a doctor about it because i am afraid that they will tell me what i already have come to fear: that i may have borderline personality disorder.

i have felt different from other people my entire life (which isn't much, i'm only 18). Let me begin with some of the things that have been going on.

My life would be considered care-free by some, it would also be considered pathetic to others, namely my "friends". I can be perfectly happy and having a good time with my friends or with my b/f, but i will suddenly out of nowhere become angry, depressed, and lonely. i distance myself off from others because i can't bear to be around them because i know they must hate me....they must hate me and the way i act. i cant even begin to describe it to you or to anyone else because i have yet to come to grips with what it is i am feeling.

i don't understand why i go from angry to happy in a matter of seconds....i feel it is ruining my friendships and my relationship with the only person that has truly meant anything to me: Trent. I put on the good face for him and make everything seem ok, but inside i am snapping, and i can barely hold in these mixed feelings any longer.

i can spend an entire incredible evening with him and still go home and cry for hours because i am alone in the world, even when i know that i am not.

i used to blame everything on my sexuality....it was a lot easier that way.....it was easier to say that i was gay instead of saying that i didn't understand my mind.....that i didn't understand my existence, that everything i did was flawed. that's the way i feel, most of the time. i hate it so much, i hate myself for putting Trent through this, but do i have any other choice? i sure don't think i do....i have felt this way for years.....i was like this even way back in elementary school. Even as i type this out, i don't understand what i am saying, i don't even know why i am doing this. maybe i just need some outlet....away from everything.

last night was an incredible night for me. Trent and i had so much fun. yet all day today all i can think about is how stupid i must seem to him, and how pathetic i must be. and how ugly i must be.

it gets to me so badly that i have been cutting myself again recently and have been having thoughts of suicide. its been a few years since i had any real thoughts of the matter. its getting to be so much. i don't understand anything. but venting like this, even though i may not even have BPD, helps, in some weird way. i don't know. all i can say to everyone out there is this: if you find something or someone to love, hold on to that. it may create some more confusion in your life, or it may very well lead to more mixed up emotions....but at least, at that point, you wouldn't have to suffer alone. the feeling of someone else's hand while you cry sure beats the feeling of a razor blade, i can tell you that from experience. live a good life....it may be hypocritical coming from me, but live a good life....its all that i really feel i have anymore, outside of Trent.

Thank you all...your sincere honesty on this story board gave me the strength to tell my story (kind of). Thank you again.