Story #32

As a child, I was always very sensitive. My parents were not bad parents, they really tried hard. But they didn't love each other, and in fact were very irritated by each other, and I always knew that. I remember they argued a lot mostly about how my dad would go out and help his friends all the time, but my mom thought he should be at home often. My dad's a good guy. My parent's lack of love for each other caused me to develop quite an attachment to a certain TV show and it's two lead characters. Even though I knew it was all fake, I began to love those people like they really were my parents, and I'd liked to fantasize that I was their daughter...I even created an alter-ego for myself. I had developed an obsession with the show, and it was really messing up my real life. I badly wanted to have these beautiful parents who were so in love with each other, and loved me and made me the most special thing in their lives. Even though my mother hugged me and told me she loved me every day....still, STILL I was obsessed with my 'other' family and that is just what adds to my guilt. My parents knew something was wrong with me, but there was no way to explain it. And sometimes my dad would get so fed up with my mom he threatened to leave and not come back, and I would be crying and begging him to stay - it was horrible. That show had become so real to me, and so affecting...I couldn't stand missing any episode, and one time I forced my dad to leave early this party we were at, just so I could get home in time for the show, and my brother was so mad and couldn't understand why it was so important to get home. 

Four years after the show ended, still it affects me, and in a demented way, it's like a real part of my past. And inside I always felt angry at the actors for leaving the show, because I felt like they were abandoning me. It's much easier for me to love things that aren't real, or inanimate objects. I never had much of a life at all, and rarely left the house. Then, last year when my dad decided to up and leave my mother without telling her, I went along with him and thought I'd enjoy my new life, but I just got more depressed. I began hating myself intensely and thinking I'm the ugliest person in the world...I still do. There are some times where I can get very egotistical about myself, but then that ends and I go back to the self-hate. 

Sometimes I starve myself for days, and then eat so much I get sick, and have this intense fear of food...every time I eat something, I wish I hadn't done it. I can't have any kind of good relationships with anyone, I always hurt everyone I should love. If someone I love does the least thing to upset me, I completely turn against them and think they're my arch enemy. 

I was living with my dad, and my best friend was staying with us, and we both did something incredibly stupid and my dad kicked her out - with good reason, but I got upset and packed my stuff up and then moved back in with my mom. I don't feel worthy enough of being loved by anyone. And I'm so afraid of doing anything. I should be getting my license and a job and things, but I just can't manage to do anything. I keep on hurting people and feeling so sorry about it...it seems I just can't do anything right. And no one seems to understand. It seems I have nothing, no ground beneath my feet, nothing to grab onto. I'm only seventeen, and I have my whole life ahead of me. I know I shouldn't be like this...but I can't help it.