Story #39

i feel very surprised to find myself writing this today. i am 37 years old and the mother of 3 teenage boys. i was diagnosis with bpd 2 years ago after attempting suicide. my soon to be ex-husband used to laugh and call me "Sybil" (famous multiple). my mother and step-father always warned perspective boyfriends that i was very "moody". thru all the craziness that has been my life, i have went to school and become a nurse and work 40 hrs. a week and basically raised my kids alone (for better and much worse). My first memory is of being 3 or 4 years old and "playing" tent with my 3 older brothers. i was always teamed with our oldest brother (his choice). he fondled my genitals and rubbed his penis against me to his and my satisfaction. he never physically hurt me; he taught me to have orgasms by age 6. he also promised never to do it again after each time and said don't tell. this went on at least once a week until i was 14 years old and told a school counselor who called my mom. we all met at home and they told my brother to stop or he would get into big trouble. it never happened again and it was never spoke of again. i felt wrong and guilty and abandoned again. did i forget to mention, my parents divorced when i was 6 and my mom quickly remarried? i have probably been closer to my step dad then anyone in my life. my dad became an alcoholic and sexually molested me at least twice. my dad also began buying beer, wine and cigarettes for me and my friends when i was about 10. by age 12, i was drinking, smoking cigs and pot, and doing LSD and stolen valium.

i began having sex with other people, boys and girls, at 8 or 9 years of age. i didn't have actual intercourse until 14. i also did my share of abusing. i used boys and dumped them before they could ever leave or hurt me. i have lost count of the number of people i have been sexually involved with. to me, i thought sex meant feeling good and i guess love. but, i don't think i have ever felt love. did i also mention that my mom cheated on my step dad and took me along as her cover? she is also a habitual liar.

i have "accidentally" overdosed 5 or 6 times. i tried to kill my self 2 times. i have been in therapy numerous times; what better why to get out of class? i have felt crazy for a long time with violent mood swings where i fought with my #3 brother to the point of broken bones and i used to beat my 3 sons when they were little for spilling milk or peeing their pants. I have been sober for 5 years until last week when i got drunk with my 16 year old son. i take Zoloft but it doesn't seem to be helping much. lately, i have been hurting myself by punching myself in the face, giving myself black and blue eyes and then making excuses about where they come from. i have also caused knife wounds to myself . i can get so depressed that i will stay in bed and sleep for days, without eating or drinking. then, i get so manic, that i will do the paperwork for 3 people at work.

i took the telephone to bed with me the other night because i felt very sure i was going to kill myself ; just in case i wanted to call out for help instead. most days i don't know what keeps me going except biology and my children. is there help for me??????