Story #43

I am almost 30 yrs. old and am having a mid-life crisis. My depression began when I was 9yrs. old and I sought therapy for it. I didn't know why I was depressed. My family called me the "drama Queen". They would tease and egg me on, because they liked the way I overreacted. To me, it was real torment. I had a learning disability in the first grade, as I had an abusive first grade teacher. I was molested by a stranger at the age of 6. My grandmother starved herself to death when I was 12, and my mother tortured me mentally, emotionally, and physically. My whole family tortured me mentally and emotionally. I began having suicidal thoughts at the age of 9, and even acted on them. Physical pain was better than emotional pain, so I would punch myself, pull my hair, scratch myself, etc. Yet, I still knew that it was the family who were "crazy", not me. I knew the abuse was wrong, but there was no one to protect me. I would cry myself to sleep every night, wishing I was old enough to have a man come and save me. Hence--"looking for my rescuer". I got teased at school constantly and came home to abuse.. I never had any peace of mind. As I got older, it got worse--I got involved in a very physically and mentally abusive relationship which I was in from 16-20. I thought I deserved it. "I was no good". and the Fear and issues of abandonment would come into play--which lead to anxiety and panic. Always grasping for someone, anyone to love me. I then turned to burning my arms with cigarettes, cutting my arms with knifes, and drinking. When that relationship ended, I was almost dead. I became anorexic and started starving myself, just like my grandmother did. I've been on almost every kind of antidepressant know to man, along with antianxiety, antipsychotic, and mood stabilizer drugs. I am an alcoholic, an adult child of an alcoholic, a co-dependent, have major depression with suicidal ideations, borderline personality disorder--did I leave anything out? I probably did. I have been hospitalized for 5 different suicide attempts. With each attempt getting worse each time. I was last hospitalized this past January for slicing my wrist open and overdosing on pills. I now have a lovely scar. I choose alcoholic and emotionally unavailable men all the time. If I can make them love me, then I am worthy. I have become promiscuous and am able to disconnect my spirit from my body. Somebody knows I'm alive if they are having sex with me. I am afraid to be loved. I don't know how to be loved and sabotage good things. I am my own worst enemy. I am currently on 60mg of Celexa, 10mg of Pamelor and 25mg of Seroquel when I need it for anxiety. I am a survivor. I graduated from college with honors. I also graduated from Nursing school with honors, and I am a very good, caring, and loving nurse. This disorder is not our faults. We do not need to keep robbing ourselves from good things. We deserve good things in life now. The torment is over. I stand up for myself now. I am very assertive. I still believe that I have multiple personalities, but it is not my fault. I can feel each personality taken over and feel that it is my defense mechanism. My boyfriend wants to marry me, but he is manic-depressive and in recovery from alcohol. Yet, he knows all about my problems and still loves me anyways. I don't have to pretend with him. I'm just aging anxiety, because I'm not used to being loved. I hope I don't sabotage this one. KEEP FIGHTING EVERYONE. THIS DISORDER ONLY MAKES US STRONGER AND MORE LOVING. My thoughts are with everyone who has this disorder. And, I LOVE YOU.