Story #51

I guess you can say my pitiful story begins before I was even born as my mother took castor oil while she was pregnant with me so..god forbid!..I wasn't born on her birthday. How I wondered what I could of done wrong or why she must not of loved me as I recall from at least 3-4 years of age, all of us girls being pushed out the backdoor of our house early in the mornings after our father had left for work. "Get outside! I don't want to see you! Don't you even knock on the door." I remember having to go to the bathroom and knocking on the door for it to remain unanswered. (what the hell is she doing in there anyways??) and then the complete and utter humiliation as I relieved myself in some huge pine trees and a large group of school kids laughed and pointed. 

I spent a lot of my childhood alone...just wandering .which left me open to be taken advantage of. twice I was almost raped by some boys who were friends of my sisters and then finally the molestation by some girl who was one of my sisters friends. (oh how i wish my sisters would look out for me and let me follow them on their rampages of fun but I was not welcome) This little "relationship" lasted for quite sometime until finally we moved to the other side of town into a brand new house. Oh how this devastated my sisters who relied on all their little friends for entertainment. So, they turned to me. The oldest took great pleasure in torturing me throughout the day while my mother remained locked away in her room. I remember pleading for her help as my sisters beat on me and there was never a reply except maybe.."leave me alone!" 

I never quite understood why my oldest sister hated me so much. But because of it, I spent my days wandering the woods outside and then finally "guarding" my room the entire day so they wouldn't trash and steal my things no more. I guess my mother could see the fall in her ranks and she began to try to regain her position as ruler by chasing us with knives up the stairs and laughing hysterically like it was some great joke. I'd nearly pee myself and feel my heart constricting in pain as I tried to lock the bathroom door to escape from her. She was a weird one. My mother also took great pleasure in making up stories to our father for when he came home, so she could smile evilly as she heard one of us being belted when he got home. 

How we feared our father's wrath because it was always coupled with alcohol and high stress from his day at work. At around 13, I think I had a nervous breakdown. I couldn't go to school no more. I missed an entire year and was in and out with different shrinks. My entire family was against me. They would stay up and talk about what a liar I was and that I was just faking the entire thing. 

By next school semester, I was fine. I think when I was around 15 they split up and I actually was so happy I couldn't hide it. But she took everything we had so for a time while I was the only child in the house, I took care of my dad as he fell into some sort of depression. But he started dating someone he has known for many years and she soon moved in. Suddenly there were rules and more rules. 

At 18, I moved in with my boyfriend who I knew soon off was not right for me but I was too stubborn and proud to crawl back to my dad's house. I ended up pregnant and we got married. He had to be the most abusive of all my relationships. He liked to choke me while having sex that progressed to the point where he wanted to choke me to death just so he can revive me. He used to scream in my ear until my ears would ring and he would hit me while we were in the car. But still I stayed until I met someone new at work and left him for this guy. I knew soon after we moved in together that this was a bad idea. He was a spoiled child. I was getting the strength to leave him when I found out I was pregnant. For at least 6 months I slept on the couch and we didn't talk while I began an affair with my ex husband. 

I was suicidal and began abusing myself and the baby I wish would die by not eating and doing as much physical things as possible. But then it all lifted and I really tried to make the relationship work. He was too into his tough love crap. Making me cry and breaking all my things and then saying it was all to teach me a lesson. After about 3 years, he left me for someone else and I had to live with his parents. I got really bad here.

Soon after, a good friend killed himself and I tried the same. For a year there was me not eating, drinking like a fish, on a first name basis with half the police force, and trying to kill myself everyday. I was in and out of the hospital 4 times in that year. This is where I was diagnosed with BPD. Was I so angry with this label. Ok, at first I was happy it was called SOMETHING..but all the stigma attached to it, made me angry. I didn't want this! I felt like a freak, especially when I went to the emergency room once just for a migraine and they treated me like a mental patient. They had guards on my door and talked to me in that motherly voice. I'm a person here! 

During this year I met the guy I'm still with. I put him through hell. But he got me back. So, all in all. We are about even these days. He fucked everyone in town and so didn't I. I knew this was a problem when I sat down at a table and realized that I had fucked every single one of them.

I was ready for change. I found God the year after and it really changed me around. I went off meds, no therapy, I held a job, I could pay my bills..I felt cured. But 2 months ago, things all fell apart and it triggered it all back. But this time I willing to change and work on myself. I'm with a guy who cares and loves me and wants to see me through all this and I'm sick of how this illness rules me. I want to feel normal. I want to know what the hell that feels like! I'm sick of all the crazy mood swings, and how when I do something wrong I have to punish myself with out even thinking..BAM! You're bad!

I like to slap myself or cut my wrists just to feel the pain. (this is real, I think as I feel a new pain) my crazy thoughts that I so believe and cause me to lash out at others, how I can't seem to like anyone..I have to put them down, I think I hate everything..is that possible? how I hate myself so much..how I don't feel worthy or good enough..how I cant trust or relax...how damn dependent I am..how sometimes I don't even know what I want just what someone else wants..how I don't know myself no more. Me or my feelings..are they real? Is it me or this illness?? I don't want to be a walking illness no more..I don't want to lick everyone's boots anymore so they wont leave me..or lose myself because I did something bad and I'm trying to always make up for it...Who am I anyways? What is real and what is just this damn illness??? Am I even there underneath it all? If it was taken away, would a person be there? Just an empty shell? or maybe just a little girl? I don't know anymore. All I know is I'm sick of it ruling me and ruining everything and everyone around me. I'm 28 years old and I want it all to end. I want to be normal. Can I be?