Story #58

My life with bpd as they call it has been unbearable I kept getting wrong diagnosis all the time people said “oh she is hopeless they gave up on me” I was in numerous hospitals since 14 yrs old  all the time at least over 100x and I tried suicide by od'ing tried  hanging but mainly cutting to release the pain I felt inside I felt all alone in the world with no hope I sabotage any good I did and my relationships as well I was beaten and fondled. I couldn’t take this so each cut had to be deeper till I felt the euphoria or till someone listened but they never did I never had a real childhood I was institutionalized from 14 till 18. then repeated hosp.  

Now I have a precious daughter and a fiancé who doesn't totally understand this and I keep pushing him away to but I still wonder why me.......   Here’s a poem I wrote its my only release is writing I haven’t cut in over a year......... why me.... why me as I sit here wondering how this could be cant you see the pain in my eyes as I try so hard to please you do u even care my heart so bare why me....... why me as lay here and shed silent tears that flow like a river so deep they seep my sheets ....... why me whatever did I do to deserve this torture I live in please tell me cant you see ......why me I hurt inside as I try to hide.......why me.......         well don’t ever give up hope I didn’t I may have this the rest of my life but I prove them all wrong and won I still push people away so I wont get hurt I’m not saying its easy but never give up or they will win there’s hope which is still hard 4 me to see.