Story #59

Dec. 31, 2000

I thought that I'd write my thoughts on the last day of the year.  Well, last night I cut him off and told him not to call because I was in a mood.  Really, he doesn't need me to go off on him because of feelings that he nor I can ever change.  Those feelings are all in there for good, permanently.  I really wanted to cry in out but that stop working a long time ago for me. 

I'm pretty sure that right now my family must be really pissed at me for not going out to help them clear the snow.  He thinks that I ran away instead of telling him what was really up.  Well, at least I wrote him an email trying to explain to the best of my ability.  Damn, I am so sick of feeling and I wish that I could learn how to squash all these feelings like some people can.  

We got into a argument (I guess you could call it that) because I simply asked him where he was going and he was about to bust out another one of those horribly insensitive "jokes" by saying to find chicks.  So I mentioned that it upset me and he counter-attacked me by saying that that was only because I was having a side conversation with my sister.  But I doubt he thought of it this way: does it make him happy inside to joke about stuff like that to me even when he is well aware of the fact that it hurts me especially with my low self-esteem.  Because it actually does make me happy to talk to my sister and he knows this too. 

Oh well, so I tried to drop it but he was still upset that "that had to happen".  I tried to explain to him that I'll always love him regardless but that doesn't mean he can step all over me like that.  I asked him a simple question which if the sides were reversed and I didn't tell him he would go nuts.  He admitted to being wrong this time but that's not good enough.  I'm willing to change and he's not?  He told me last night that my past is very hard for him to accept and I told him that I've come to terms with what's gone on in my past and that he could discuss it with me whenever he wants.  I told him that he is such a dear because I just realized how sensitive he really is.  The thing that really gets to me is that I am happy with him in general but that other aspects that I solely part of my being have come to the surface to interfere with us getting along like we should.  How could it come to this?  Why do both of us have to hide from our own feelings and pretend to keep each other happy?  Well, I've been doing this my whole life and he has too so we should also accept that, right? 

I mean my parents who are supposed to be the closest people to me don't have a clue who the hell I am and I know that it's already too late to repair the damage that's gone on in that department and it really depresses me.  They want to be proud of me but only if I do what they have planned for me and this has been my biggest inner conflict especially now that I am almost done with college.  I don't even feel ready to go on to the real world yet.  I wonder if they know how scared I really am and that it is completely their fault? 

Who the would want to live as me, all I am I just a shell of a whole person with a huge emptiness inside that will never be filled?  The past couple years to my parents I'm sure it seems like I am happy and that things are going well on the path to medical school but I wish that they would know all the times that I've cried and tried to end it all.  But I stayed strong and resisted to do this.  But for who's sake though?  What do I really have to look forward to?  Is it just more hurt and pain and disappointment? 

I just realized something that I've been doing for a long time. I’ve been shutting out the people who really do need to know how I feel and now I'm scared that I might be shutting him out too.  God, how sad it will be when I have no one left who gives a damn about me?  I'm already closer and closer to giving up on myself and on my useless life.  Why start a whole new year when I already know that the world has nothing to offer me and I can never go back to being happy because I've never been happy.  I don't know what the fuck happy is anymore and I don't know that I have enough emotional energy to stick around to see if I deserve it or not.  I wish I were like everyone else who can be happy and do what they want to in life.  My high school career was partially about me doing well for my parents and partially about me trying to find true happiness.  

Then college comes along and I try my best to do well but the sadness and pain inside takes over and the search begins.  I feel like my whole live has been a lie and I am the only one fighting a losing battle.  I'm so tired.  I don't know if I can live another day like this.  When I'm not hurting it's only temporary and then it comes back a million times worse because I try to keep it in and put on a "happy" face for the world to see.  Nothing feels real anymore.  I feel like things in my life are just moving forward at an incredible pace and me, I'm here stuck in my inner world where everything is stagnant and so dark and sad.