Story #7

My name is Lisa. I am a 37 yr. old female now residing with my mom in Orlando, FL. the "happy" family town. Well I am not happy and never was. I was diagnosed along time ago with border-line. I was also diagnosed with many other things in the same category as borderline. I am sure this is the correct one. When I was growing up I was considered to be the "black sheep" of the family. As far as I can remember I was always abused by my mother (mainly), my father and my sister. I have a younger brother but I try not to be angry with him (I guess I somehow want to protect him). My mother and I always fought. I remember my household being a "war zone". We were raised upper middle class people but behaved like "trash". My Dad was hardly ever around. I found out later he was cheating on my mom because she was overweight & with a big mouth. He was a businessman in the small town we were raised in and I think he was very embarrassed of us all. My sister was always mean to me too. She turned out to be just like my Dad. There was a lot of blaming, neglect, criticism, control, lack of discipline and fear when I was growing up. My mom was too busy chasing after Dad but I always blamed mom for Dad's absence. 

When I turned into a teenager I began to hit my mother back. I was quite the handful with boy trouble, friendship troubles, stealing, and lying. I don't remember too much about school but that I had grown to acquire a horrendous reputation. I remember feeling soooooo much pain that I cried a lot alone. I hated my life, I hated my family for hurting me, I hated other girls that seemed "normal" and I really hated my mother....I can't remember hardly anyone being nice to me really. I do remember my grandmother (mother's mom) and how she once told me "I was her favorite". I grieved a lot when she died for years and years. My only escape was boys to men. So I began to chase them. I had lots of crushes when I was real young and still can remember those feelings as if it were yesterday. 

My first real sexual experience was when I was snow skiing (which a lot of kids in town did at the nearby ski hill) and I had a crush on a boy (whose name I won't give out) asked me to touch his ----.I was only 11 yrs old and I did it. I was scared to death but my idea was he "liked" me. That lasted for about 3 yrs. We never had intercourse but we did almost everything else. He used to tell me not to tell anyone. If I did (I always had a big mouth) he would deny it. 

I used to get beaten by my mom and Dad for trying to tell them this story. They never believed me so on top of all the pain I had already felt they abused me. I know now that was sexual abuse. 

At 13 yrs. old I met this wonderful boy and he became my boyfriend for almost 3 yrs. I never trusted him and I used to torture him so much by abusing him ( I always hurt the good ones). I began to become very paranoid thinking he was cheating on me and I would become very, very, violent. I dream of him now and feel so bad. 

His family were poor people and I still hurt him. He had 2 alcoholic parents and he always tried so hard to be good (he was my real first) .Well, I broke it off with him to "find" myself. I know now I was running from my life. I still felt tremendous anger, rage and pain all the time. I always felt rejected by so many people. 

I was now 15yrs. old and I ran away from home. This started the rest of my life up until today to become an emotional roller coaster. I moved in with a man 8 yrs my senior. He was good to me too but I pushed him to his limit also. We lived together for about 5yrs.and we were physically abusing each other. I always started with him. Again I was "insanely" jealous and began to cheat behind his back with at least 150 men!!!!! 

Oh by the way I had dropped out of school in the 11th grade to run away from home. I was an average student from what I recall. When I was living with this man, I "partied" a lot. It was the 1970's and everyone got "high". I also was called a lot of names and still had a horrendous reputation. Most men I cheated with used me and ran from me. My man had to leave me. This brought me soooo much more pain and I tried to change my image. I cut my hair and changed the clothes I was wearing (I was a hippy rough cut type). I thought if I could only be different maybe people would love me and stay. 

Well, my family still couldn't deal with me and talked amongst themselves to have me move to Florida. It was 1982. My family never ever wanted to love me or help me or understand me. So they shipped me to Miami Florida. 

I was in another relationship with a guy I was friendly in school with. I tortured him too. We were doing a lot of drugs. I was still cheating, lying and stealing, and still made enemies wherever I was immature, ignorant, wild, not caring, irresponsible and suicidal. I had already made a few attempts to die but mainly to get the attention I so deserved!!!! Still I was a burden. Me and mom were still abusive to one another when ever near each other. Sometimes I started it and sometimes she would. We still "hated" each other. My siblings were just fed up and Dad was still very absent on his second marriage. Well, the Florida relationship lasted a couple of years and I came back home to upstate N.Y. 

Now it's 1986 and got into drug abuse recovery there. I began to learn and stayed involved for 8 good years. That is when I new I had "other" problems. I was told plenty of times by close friends and counselors. All the jobs I ever kept were waitressing, tending bar, babysitting and etc...I hated work because I couldn't stand bosses ( still cant). My emotional problems where the biggest priority anyhow. I was always irresponsible with $$$ anyway. I think I was afraid of the stuff (still am a little). So I got some help and then I insisted on continuing bad unhealthy relationship patterns. I was a lost cause at this point in my life. Everyone had friends, seemed to get on with life and I was a mess. I was still rageful, moody, paranoid, blaming, scared, shameful, guilty, depressed, needy, and all the stuff that goes along with this wonderful disorder. 

I started lithium and it sort of worked but my relationships still stunk. I was then diagnosed with this. Now what I was told I was a helpless case particularly. My mom lived in Florida and I only had Dad to rely on mostly. He would give me rations of $$$ and boy the "life" struggle really was hitting me. I was hospitalized a couple of times and on SSD, section 8 welfare, Medicaid. and food stamps for years. 

I then met my love of my life. He was pretty ill himself but I wore blinders. That relationship threw me through a loop for 4 years. I was the laugh of the town because of my "actions". He always came out smelling like a rose when he was the object of my insanity. I was still sober and never cared if I drank or drugged again (that's how I knew I wasn't alcoholic). But I had to move back to Florida and that's were I am today. I haven't been in a relationship since the last. I have been without a man for 4 years and I fear being back in a relationship. I have NO desire right now. I hope someday I will be but my self esteem is so low. I have a lot of financial problems and that's my goal now. I want to "better" myself and have trying for 13 years. 

I am doing "a little" better but I think it's age and I am tired!!! I still don't get along with people well and I still can't hold a job for along time. I never accomplished a thing in life and I still have a lot of rage. I am on 100 mg. zoloft and 500 mg of depakote. Hardly works. I am still on SSD and have "crappy" insurance. I still argue with people on the phone mainly. Yes, I am living with my mom. Big mistake but boy she really really is trying. Our fights are only caused by me and my demanding an apology for those hard years. Sure, she still pushes my buttons at times but if I was "normal" I would be able to handle it. So I am trying to start my own pet sitting service and have had a few rage attacks really bad. I still think people hate me and I just want to love them. I hardy have friends and the ones I do have live far away. It's better like that for now. I am very overweight and hate that too. So that's my story......I hope someone can relate to me and I bet you will. Thanks for reading this.......Love, Lisa