Story #8

The Story Starts Here: i can't believe i'm actually doing this. when i was young i was the favorite. my father's obsession with me, his hands bruising my arms if i didn't kiss him goodbye in the morning. i watched him drag my sister up the street by her hair. he knew what a brat i was, but he loved me so much he would keep it a secret if only i loved him as much as he loved me. otherwise i would be alone all my life and NOBODY would ever love me. and my mother said once, on one Catskill mountain sunshine afternoon that i would grow up to fat and friendless. i don't remember the context. does it really matter?

so anyway, here i am. i'm only 19. i am so lonely. i got "shipped" around a lot. i was always so painfully aware of my illness. i knew. i knew i was sick right from the start. it all began when i moved to NC at the age of 12. uprooted. i felt everyone had left me. how could life go on in NY when everything was stopped dead for me?

i remember being 14 and actually sitting my mother down and saying "please help me i am so very afraid.." and she laughed in my face. i got sent to my sisters house in TN. uprooted. that year i attempted suicide. in a half-assed way. for days i crushed up 200 aspirin in a big bowl. one day, walking to school, it scared me. all of those people hated me. no one knew, cared to know, how could they how could they all hurt me so terribly!? i only wanted to be loved. that's it! is it so much??? i ran home. i mixed my concoction up in a glass of crystal light. i drank about half.. i began to sputter and cry. i didn't want to die! i wanted only to kill my anger, sadness, fear! i ran to my sister, i showed her. no hospitals. back to the therapist. he laughed too. said i did it just to get out of school that day. i puked for an hour. to make sure i learned my lesson, he and my sister made me go to the last period of the day. i had to sit in class. she couldn't deal with it, my sister. i don't blame her.

and a week later, nora died. why are friends always dying and leaving? i lost it. i really lost it. EMERGENCY ROOM. the ER doctor laughed at me. made a nice story up about how he had sent my sister home (he really had) and to teach me a lesson about trying to get attention, he was going to have me placed with social services to a foster home. that was to get me to stop whining. because if i was so miserable, i was saying my sister was a bad person. i never thought that!

and my sister consented. it took a lot of convincing him and her. he got up in my face and told me "NEVER WASTE MY TIME AGAIN LITTLE GIRL, OR YOUR SISTER'S EITHER!". all alone.

no matter what i did. no matter who i told. i actually told my therapist i was afraid i'd hurt myself. i still have scars on my arms. i didn't feel a thing. they lighten with time. they told me to stop trying to get attention. shipped back to NC. kicked out of my house. all alone and homeless at 17. no "imagined abandonment" here. it was real, i promise that much. quit school my senior year. i was so smart. i could've done so much. it just kills me. quit my job. stole food and slept on couches until now. a month ago i actually signed a lease. even as i type this i'm playing hooky from work. i'm even up for an asst. manager position. probably quit first. it scares me. i'm always telling people i'm so happy, so much better. i've got it together. see, i've figured out the trick. if i'm more normal and i shut up, they will love me. i have lost all of my friends to this. my rage i turned on them in anger. angry that they might leave me. yelling at them to spend time with me. falling in love in one hour. trying to make them be as "dedicated" as i was. no one ever gave enough- not as much as me. i know now that they gave more. i loved them so much i couldn't bear to be apart for a second. couldn't understand why they weren't as "passionate". i'd really die for them. the people i love. i dream about them all the time. re-read letters from a year ago. pretend it's yesterday. i never get letters or phone calls any more. but al i did was love! funny how it drove them all away.

yet i live on, sometimes i really do think i'm better.

when i was raped. they really left me then. thought i was lying. the whole damn town. i had to leave for a year. I HATE TO BE ALONE BUT I WON'T EVEN GO OUT! so now i'm too broke to go to a doctor or get meds. i work all the time but i blow my money on things for all of the imagined friends that should love me but don't. people i barely know. i stopped all of the drugs! that's a plus. i adore my boyfriend of 2 years, but he told me recently that i'm becoming too much for him. i cheated on him 4 times. 5? if he leaves me, i've said, that'll be it. i'll really do it! i don't want to. my life has become his responsibility. it's not fair, i know it. i'm tired of people being afraid of me. "psycho" "bitch" my violence, seconds later my needy tears. get out, no stay, fuck you for leaving me! even thinking about it. i just want to get better. it's become very clear i never will. i only wanted to be loved. i swear i'm not a bad person. the sick person in me does terrible hateful things. but it's ME that sits back and just watches and cries... this isn't what it should've been. this isn't what i should have been promised. but my mother knew it then, and my father i never talk to him and i guess he told them how bad i was.