Story #1

My first memory was living in a two story house, we lived on the bottom. My mom was then married to my first step father. I remember feelings of abandonment, fright, feeling unwanted and unloved. The first stepfather, as the story goes, shot himself and my mother, he died, she lived. They were getting a divorce because my mom was cheating on him. She cheated on every single husband and boyfriend she had. There were a lot of boyfriends and many more husbands, we were moved from house to house, school to school. I grew up being the outcast in my family and in school. I was always told by my Mother and the stepfathers, I was ugly, stupid, retarded and a waste. One of the step fathers sexually abused me. Most of them either physically abused me and or emotionally abused me. My Mother beat me and emotionally abused me everyday of my life, even now as an adult she still reverts back to the emotional abuse. I always looked for substitute Mothers and Fathers. My Teachers, neighbors, bus drivers, you name it. If they gave me the time of day, I loved them. My whole life all I can remember is just wanting somebody, anybody to love me. And I always wanted my real Dad, because I just knew that he would love me and want me. But as an adult I have come to learn that even he to this day never really loved or wanted me either.

I turned to pets for the love that I so desperately wanted. But once I would start to rely on them for my happiness and love them so with all of my being, they would die. Why does God take them all away from me? Doesn’t he realize how much I needed them and loved them? When I was old enough for a boyfriend I would have up to 3 or 4 of them at a time. I still couldn’t find the love that I so needed. I finally found my one true love, Robert, we were together for 4 yr. And as close as a couple can get, he was my first, but not my last. I let a monster come between us, he told me he was in the Mob and he would have Bobby killed if I didn’t marry him. The whole time we were in the Justice of the Peace office, I was praying for Bobby to come save me or for the Officer to see the pain and desperation in my eyes, but no one saved me, I spent the next 3 months being locked in a trailer and beaten every day, then moved to TX because I kept trying to run away. I finally was able to get away from him and start getting my life back together with my beloved Bobby which took 2 long painful years. Just when we were going to get back together he died on a motorcycle accident. I felt like I died with him, he was the first and only person to ever love me and care about me. I had nothing and nobody left. My life just went on, boyfriends, jobs, another marriage, children. But I was never happy or satisfied with my life. I just kept hoping that something would come along to make me happy.

Then I turned 35 and my whole life got worse, happy one minute, anxious the next, in tears the next. As long as I can remember I have been prone to crying spells and a painful sense of loss, It would become so painful and excruciating that I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. As long as I can remember I have always and still do to this day feel my emotional pain physically.

I have spent my whole life feeling unwanted, unloved, ridiculed, beaten, made fun of and now this!! Feelings and emotions all came down on me at once. I fell into a depression like I had never been in before. I was diagnosed as having BPD, and BI-polar depression. I WAS JUST GIVEN A LIFE SENTENCE!! Knowing what was wrong with me didn’t make it any better things just got worse, I started splitting and cutting myself, oh God the emotions and pain that would be running through me. It became my outlet. The pain would be so excruciating the only way out of it would be by cutting. It felt so good to be feeling pain free even for a little while. Then, I OD’d for the first time, how could I, have done this? But it happened 3 more times. The first time I was put in a P. Hospital, I thought this is it, I am in here for the rest of my life, my life has come to this! But they released me and I went back 4 more times. When my family found out about the illness, and worst the suicide attempt, oh God, they all came down on my like a ton of bricks, They kept telling me your not ill, you just want attention, buck up, pull yourself up by the bootstraps. None of that helped, but just made things worse. I have also learned that your family won’t always be there for you.

I had no one to turn to for support or for strength. I started a DBT class, which helped, I had the support of others who were in the same boat as I. And I had my wonderful psychotherapist, Bryan. He would goof up a couple of times but most of the time he said the right things and listened and supported me. But even he never really understood me, oh he tried and he thought he did. But no one can ever truly understand who a Borderline is except another Borderline. Then the worst thing I could ever do happened, I had an affair on my husband, then another and another, shit, why am I all of a sudden turning into my Mother. Oh God, I would rather die than be like her. And the pain and guilt I felt after each one was unbearable, why does it have to hurt so much when all I wanted was to be loved? Through a lot of excruciating pain and very hard lessons, I learned I was still searching for that love I never received as a child. That longing to be loved and wanted. I have spent my life unhappy or afraid, unable to sustain long-lasting relationships, and I have continuously cut and mutilated myself and attempted suicide. I have experienced such unbridled rage that it even scared me. When I have attempted suicide it is to try to stop the intolerable pain that just goes on and on with no end.

I am smothered by my feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, sadness and utterly deep depression. There is no light only dark. How do I get out of this?? There is no way out. I am so tired of all ways feeling empty. I am so afraid of rejection and abandonment sometimes it grips me with such a force. And my feelings of unworthiness, all someone has to do is look at me wrong or raise their voice and I truly believe that person hates me and never wants to see me again. The pain of that is so unbearable I feel it in my stomach again.

How can I ever feel normal again knowing I will be experiencing all these feelings and emotions again and again? The mood swings are so intense, and unpredictable, one minute I can be happy, the next I am raging, the next I am so full of pain I just can’t stand it anymore and have to try to put and end to it all. Sometimes life is nothing but pain and I don’t want to be here anymore. How does one describe the extreme sadness when so many have never experienced it? When I hurt, I hurt worse than you could ever imagine, I want to die when I hurt, I am so unworthy of love from anyone. Most people don’t understand what it feels like to be borderline, the intense pain and the extreme depression can never be understand because they have never felt it.

I have come to bluffing my way through life, I joke about how stupid and incompetent I am so that people think I can laugh about myself, and I act like I am happy and nothing is wrong anymore but they do not see the pain and the tears behind my facade.

I have come to the point where I don’t know where I begin and the borderline ends, WE ARE ONE NOW. I am losing my grip on reality. Would someone please help me? I Od’d again last night, Monday Aug. 16^th, I didn’t do it to kill myself only to try to stop all the confusion in my head, it was racing with thoughts so fast and so much I couldn’t think straight and the voices, I just had to shut them up. I couldn’t stand the pain any longer, I have been in constant pain and turmoil for two weeks now and it just won’t stop. I refused to go to the ER, my husband was mad at me all night telling me I was selfish and rude. I just can’t take it anymore. I have tried to protect my children from all this, but I have failed, I see the hurt in them and the signs of my mental illness. The pain of knowing what I have done to them is by far the greatest I have experienced yet. And the burden and guilt is so heavy on my shoulders. How can I live with this fact? I can’t it is to unbearable.

To you who is reading this know that I love you and will always love you.

Please God help me, I can’t seem to get rid of the pain, sure it does go for awhile, but it always comes back no matter how hard I try. I have no strength in me left to try anymore it is just a bottomless pit of pain, pain, pain.

I have written this to you so maybe you could understand me a little better. I never wanted to hurt you, I only wanted to love you.