A: "While no marriage is perfect, having a spouse with BPD can present some very unique challenges. Here are my suggestions:
Know what is important. If the safety and well-being of your child is the most important thing here (which it should be), don't allow the fear you may have of your wife to stop you from doing the right thing. Keep in mind that - as an adult - you have choices and options, but your daughter does not, and is relying on you to protect her from any inappropriate, hurtful, or otherwise damaging behavior.
Model what's right. Don't underestimate the positive influence that you have on your daughter. Seek to show her an example of the best way of handling stress and make sure that you yourself maintain a strong, "stand-alone" relationship with her. If you cannot always be around, make sure that she is getting the beneficial support of other children and mentors.
If your daughter is old enough, educate her about BPD and how it may cause your wife to act towards her or towards you in ways that might be scary or unpredictable. Encourage her to turn to you at any time with questions or concerns that she might have.
Make your wife a part of the solution. Approach your wife when waters are calm and enlist her support in regard to how to best communicate or handle an issue when things get "hot." Talk to her openly about what you both feel is appropriate and inappropriate behavior towards the child(ren) and what you will do if those lines are crossed. Every minute spent pre-planning will save you hours of time and energy that will otherwise be spent doing damage control after the fact.
Seek professional help for your daughter if she needs it. Be aware of symptoms that may indicate that your daughter is suffering from her mother's problems and be proactive about getting her some help. Be willing to remove her (and yourself) from the situation if necessary. Reassure her that you will not abandon her.
These thoughts came from a book entitled, "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder", by Paul T. Mason M.S. and Randi Kreger. This book contains other useful information for someone in your situation and I recommend it highly. Additionally, I work with many family members in these circumstances: please feel free to contact me at [email protected] if you would like to arrange a consultation.
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