I have been trying to set some boundaries regarding our relationship and what I will not tolerate. This makes him furious. A few months ago when he was doing a bit better, we had agreed, with the help of our therapist, to separate to give me some time to heal and rest from the constant chaos and abuse.

He is now refusing to acknowledge our agreement and when I bring it up he becomes enraged, and tells me I am selfish and he "desperately needs me".

I very much want to leave permanently, but am not certain how to do it, without throwing him into another crisis. Can you offer any advice on developing and implementing a plan to leave?

A. Thanks for your question. My heart goes out to you and the decision you're now faced with about your marriage. Here are some suggestions:

Include your therapist: Since your husband has been willing in the past to work with a trusted third party on an agreement, include him/her again in this process. You may even decide to present your decision in his/her presence. If so, it's likely that your husband will react emotionally to your announcement, and I would suggest that you write him a letter or develop a written statement that he can keep and refer to later.

Be reasonable: Make sure you have asked clearly for what you need and that your husband is unable to give it to you. Feel confident that what you are proposing is fair to you both.

Give a timeline: If you propose separation, give a timeline during which he has to work on the issues and return. If you are determined to divorce, give him that information and the timeframe involved.

Don't give in: As you know, you will lose ground by making statements that you do not follow through with; thus, the emphasis above on making sure that separation and/or divorce is really the only option you have. Once you decide on a course of action, stick with it.

Use the broken record technique: You may need to say the same things repeatedly in the next few weeks or months before your husband accepts them. Don't get caught in the trap of attempting to "explain away" or justify your decision. Be consistent in your actions and in your messages.

Be prepared for his response and define your limits ahead of time: You know your husband best. Think about how he might respond to your decision and try to make adjustments for same.

Establish a network of support: As much as possible, find others who will be available to help you both through this difficult time. You may not be able to prevent a crisis from occurring; however, having others around who know what is happening and how to respond will increase the chances that he will be able to pull through this eventually without further harming himself, you, or your children. God bless you.